The Tznius Question: Who Belongs in Souled?

The question of continuing to invest in the growth of students who are Shomer Shabbas and Kashrus but not holding in tznius comes up often. While this isn’t an exact science (we’re dealing with humans, not tomato plants), we have developed a thoughtful, layered policy that aligns with the Olami values. 

We all crave black-and-white answers. “Is she frum or is she not?” But it’s not always that simple. Growth is complicated but beautiful. Our job is to ask the right questions and make space for nuance while staying anchored in our mission as part of Olami.

Why Shabbos, Kashrus, and Tznius?

In the Olami kiruv world, three mitzvot have become markers of transformation to the point of exiting a student:

Shabbos, Kashrus, and Tznius (this would be considered STAM)

Why these three? Because they aren’t just mitzvot—they’re identity-shifters.
Keeping Shabbos isn’t just about putting your phone away. When kept properly, it reshapes your lifestyle, your social life, and your sense of self. Kashrus and Tznius work similarly. Together, they form the backbone of what people call a “frum life.”

To use an analogy: someone who says, “I don’t eat meat, chicken, or fish,” gets to call themselves vegetarian—even if they snack on junk food. In the frum world, someone who keeps these three is often perceived by the community, and perceives themselves, as “religious,” even if there’s more to work on.

So, when a student is holding strong in Shabbos, Kashrus, and Tznius, she no longer needs what Souled was built to offer: a nurturing space for becoming frum.

The Common Scenario: Shabbos and Kashrus... But Not Tznius

This is where things get tricky. It’s rare to see someone keep Shabbos fully but not Kashrus. But it’s very common to meet women who’ve taken on both—yet haven’t embraced Tznius.

That’s where we pause and ask about not where she is holding now necessarily but two questions:

• Where is she coming from?
• Where is she going?

These two questions hold the key to everything.

Cultural Context Matters

A woman who grew up with a background such as Modern Orthodox or in a Sephardi community—where religious observance is emphasized but Tznius often isn’t—may genuinely see herself as fully frum. And in her world, she is. According to both her community and her own definition, she’s already arrived. So unless she actively expresses a desire for a new trajectory, someone who already keeps Shabbos and Kashrus may not be looking to grow further in the area of Tznius…ever.

In that case, Souled is not the right fit.

By contrast, a woman who comes from a secular or Reform background, discovered Olami, and took on Shabbos and Kashrus—but not Tznius—is likely still on her way. She’s still moving. She hasn’t been conditioned to think she’s “done.” her definitions of “religious” are coming from Olami. That’s the kind of student we stay with.

The Identity Test

Two women might both say, “I don’t dress tzniut.” But what they mean can be worlds apart:

• “I’m religious, and tzniut is something that’s hard for me.”
• “I’m religious—and tzniut just isn’t part of what that means to me.”

One is growing, at least in her mind. One is not.

Here’s an analogy: A woman raised in a mainstream Orthodox world, went to Bais Yaakov, with Litvish Rabbanim might look at Chassidic women and think, “They’re frum like me, but they take things to an extreme.” She sees their seamed stockings and double head coverings as admirable, but not essential to her own religious identity.

Similarly, a woman who was raised to define “religious” as keeping Shabbos and kosher but tznius is optional, will say to herself, “It’s nice for some people, but it’s not necessary for me to be frum. She is stuck because in her mind, according to her conditioned definition, she’s already arrived at religious observance. 

Souled is for the ones still in motion—not the ones who feel they’ve reached their destination. If someone is new to Torah life and hasn’t had a real chance to explore tzniut, we give her that chance. But if she’s been exposed multiple times, even her whole life, and shows no interest in moving forward, she may have reached her ceiling within Souled.

What About Stability?

Some students will come back from seminary and be in a stable place in Kosher and Shabbas observance but not Tznius. However, they are surrounded with ample learning, support, community, mentors. They have frum friends, and Rabbis involved in their life. It’s safe to assume, they have the environment to grow in Tznius, should they want it. Souled won’t be the place to do it. 

• Example: Eva
  Came into Souled with some partial observance. Now keeps Shabbos and Kashrus fully, and wears skirts consistently, but not tznius according to halacha. 

 → But she goes to local shiurim weekly, has her Shabbos families, mentors and rabbis she is close with, social life with frum friends and a community supporting her. She is in a stable upward trajectory outside of Souled. She’ll grow if she wants to with or without us.
→ Time to move her on to Partners in Torah.

 Then there’s the other end of the spectrum: students who look like they’ve “made it”—they keep Shabbos, kosher, and tznius, maybe even just returned from seminary also—but aren’t actually stable yet. They come back to cities with weak communities, lost touch with friends from seminary, and have no mentor or support system outside of Souled. They are at risk of losing momentum and moving backwards. 

We don’t exit students just because they appear frum. But we also don’t learn with someone indefinitely. If she’s in transition and needs short-term support, we’re here for that, until she can be in an environment that stabilizes her. But Souled isn’t meant to be a long-term home for someone who already sees herself as frum and settled.

Evaluating a Student: Our Checklist

When we’re unsure, we can ask:

• What kind of background is she coming from?
• How much previous exposure has she had to kiruv or Olami programs?
• Has she grown from that exposure?
• Does her cultural background limit future growth?
• Does she have a mentor or community reinforcing her growth—or reinforcing her stagnation?
• Is she seeking to move forward—or content with where she is?
• What have I tried so far to help her in this area? Was I transparent with her about the importance of tznius?

So What’s the Policy?

Let’s define it first through elimination:

Option A: Require full tznius according to Orthodox standards before graduating someone from Souled?
❌ No. Some people plateau after serious growth, and tznius might remain their weak point. That’s okay.

• Example: Netaly
  Secular Israeli background. Went to Neve. Keeps Shabbos and Kashrus, has a sheitel, five kids—but still doesn’t cover elbows or knees. She’s frum, she’s stable. She’s not a Souled student anymore.
  → She belongs in Partners in Torah or connected to a local community resource.

Option B: Ignore tznius entirely as a marker for graduation from Souled?
❌ Also no. Tznius matters. But it’s not about checking boxes—it’s about direction and identity.

✅ Our Policy, Clearly Stated:

Souled is for women who have a chance to actively grow toward frumkeit.
When a student keeps Shabbos and Kashrus but not Tznius, we ask two things:
Where is she coming from? Where is she going?

• If she's coming from a background that taught her to define herself as “already frum” has had significant exposure to, and shows little growth in tznius—we exit.
• If she’s still growing, open, and she doesn’t consider herself fully frum- tznius could be her next step - she remains in Souled. 
• If she’s keeping Shabbas and kosher and well-supported elsewhere—we transition her with encouragement to her next step.

Real-Life Examples

• Nora
  Grew up secular. Started keeping Shabbos and Kashrus through Olami. Not yet tznius, but dabbled in it for a while but it was hard. She is still growing. The fact that she doesn’t keep tznius is the indication of how much she needs Souled. She loves her local Rebbetzin but Souled is an important part of her consistent learning. 
  → Keep her in Souled.
  
   
• Talia
  Grew up Modern Orthodox in Mexico. Left observance but recommitted. She is Shomer Shabbos and kashrus for 3 years, has a strong connection to a local community, going to shiurim, and has no interest in growth in tznius. 
  → Exit to Partners in Torah with warmth.
  
   

Nora and Talia may look the same on the outside—but they’re in two different places internally. The difference lies in their trajectory.

Final Thoughts

Exiting a student isn't always a simple yes or no. It's a thoughtful decision that a Souled Coach makes with her supervisor, considering all the factors. And when it's time for a student to move on, we make sure we exit her with kindness. Touch base with a manager to help you craft an explanation that leaves the student feeling proud and empowered, not rejected or judged.

Let’s keep investing in movement, in openness, in possibility.

And let’s lovingly hand off those who are already standing strong, knowing we helped get them there.